Review: Dark Comedy Performance Piece of My Life - Walter Etc.
By Zach Zollo
TITLE CARD
“I thought that we were Jim and Pam, but turns out I was Roy.”
INT. ZACH’S BEDROOM - MORNING
It’s stormy as the dickens outside. ZACH, disheveled in appearance and broken in spirit, lies awake in bed, slumped against the headboard with glazed eyes and a frown. He’s fed up with being in quarantine - too much isolation leads to a retread of negative thoughts. He reaches for his laptop on his bedside table, and begins to surf the web.
He logs onto Bandcamp, searching for albums with his go-to tags - “surf,” “emo,” “DIY,” “indie rock,” and “indie pop.” After some virtual crate digging, he scrolls over an album that intrigues him with its title alone:
Dark Comedy Performance Piece of My Life
by Walter Etc.
He clicks on it, views the cover art a little more closely, then utters to himself -
ZACH
Such a regal pose for a cat...eh, sure, fuck it.
He starts the album from the beginning, because he’s not a sociopath.
TRACK 1, “Rotting on the Vine”
INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT
WALTER and KAITLYN are sitting at the kitchen table in their quaint apartment. Posters of The Drums, Surf Curse, Vundabar and Teen Suicide are plastered on the wall. The vibe of the place is breezy, welcoming.
Walter is proposing the idea of moving to California - firmly, but with caution. The water in which he is treading is murky. At first, his tone is calm and convincing, but progressively gets more tense. The idea is not going by Kaitlyn, as she is adamant in her convictions. She at times feels attacked.
WALTER
“Now don’t get so defensive! I love you, but admit. THIS is getting sad and stale with age.”
Zach, peering in from the kitchen window, watches the end of the argument. The space in which they dwell remains beautiful, while they visibly have aged.
TRACK 2, “White Lies”
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Walter is glaring at himself in the mirror. He tries to maintain his composure. As the music in his head swells, from sunny and acoustic to heavy and distorted, he tries to suppress his frustrations. He can’t ignore them; the burden he carries requires communication.
CUT TO:
INT. BREWERY - NIGHT
Walter is envisioning Kaitlyn having a drink with her friends. They’ve just gone around the circle, confessing their salaries. Now, the spotlight's on her.
FRIEND
So Kait, I’m curious!
KAITLYN
About what?
EMILY, one of her friends, looks around at the others with a smirk. She thinks Kaitlyn’s being cute.
EMILY
About him! What does he do?
KAITLYN
(flustered)
Oh, well...he’s a...he’s a musician. He has a band. They’re not really “big,” or on the radio, or anything, but he works hard...He’s passionate, certainly...although he IS on the road a lot…
There’s a pause. The awkward tension is tangible.
FRIEND #2
Does he enjoy it?
TRACK 3, “Baloo Take Me Home”
CUT TO:
INT. MOBILE HOME - DAY
Walter is sitting inside a mobile home with an old woman, sharing conversation over a cup of tea. Outside is evergreen, but inside is bleak. He is venting to her about his frustrations with being a DIY musician - the endless touring, the sacrifices he has to make to pursue his passion, the lack of validation he feels from his art.
WALTER
“The community that once was my everything is now, ironically, the source of my anxiety.”
OLD LADY
Oh, sweetie. Sounds like you’re feeling really bummed out.
WALTER
“Somehow I’m not bummed…. I just don’t know how to feel. Cause if this isn’t me...well, then, WHO am I?”
Zach is particularly struck by these sentiments. He has felt the loss of community in such a way before.
TRACK 4, “Burritos Alone”
MONTAGE
- Walter gets stoned to the Malone
- Walter eats multiple burritos - one for breakfast, lunch, and pre-dinner
- Walter does the dishes
- Walter works on tracking his EP in the garage while neighbors complain
- Zach is jammin’ the fuck OUT to an absolute banger of a track
- Scene kids debate whether this song is more shoegaze or slacker rock
TRACK 5, “Fish Won’t Eat”
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Walter is staring at the fish tank in his apartment. A FISH lays on the bottom of the tank, motionless. Walter’s face is expressionless, but his eyes long for connection. His finger taps on the glass, with the sound of an overgrown fingernail making contact.
WALTER
“Why are we living like royalty, the charmed life, the dream - but here I’m drawing a noose and you won’t fucking eat? Talk to me…”
Zach comes down from his jamming, only to have the lyrics - again - strike too close to home. He is still impressed with how such a short song - barely a minute long - advances the narrative so effectively, so potently.
TRACK 6, “Gidget Etc.”
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
From the perspective of GIDGET - Walter and Kaitlyn’s cat - “daddy” is seen dressed as a knight, while “mommy” is dressed as a princess. Gidget doesn’t understand what’s going on - she’s a cat, after all. But from the looks, sounds and movements, whatever is happening is serious. It’s as if the two do not know whether this is the beginning or the end. Gidget scurries under the couch.
WALTER
“This is what fucking up a fairytale looks like”
Zach is hiding under the couch with Gidget. He turns to her.
ZACH
Oh, okay, so THAT’S how you see the two of them.
GIDGET
(cat shrugging)
Meow meow meow.
ZACH
Well it makes sense. You are a cat.
TRACK 7, “Missile Incoming”
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Walter and Kaitlyn are holding each other in their arms, delicately sobbing. Modern Family is over heard playing on the TV. The swells of distortion, reverb and electronics throughout the track indicate a mess of emotions are being held by the two of them. But they can’t say what they want, and don’t know what to do.
Zach grows glum again. Not because of the weather outside his room, his thoughts or quarantine - but because he’s gutted by the plot point in the narrative. THIS is the turning point in their relationship. It isn’t a moment that is spoken of, or communicated in depth. It is simply felt. Whatever it is, it leaves no uncertainty. A tear grows in his eye, for he’s felt this before.
TRACK 8, “Things Are Going Too Good”
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
The apartment has been redecorated, using the color palette of Super Mario Sunshine. The appearance is pastel, bubbly, serene - visually Wes Anderson, audibly glass beach with an extra kick of twee. Walter and Kaitlyn are going through the motions with smiles on their faces. They seem to be working together, more so than prior. Despite this, the apartment feels hollow. A thought lingers in Walter’s head:
WALTER
“Feels like the Big One must be right around the corner…”
TRACK 9, “I Bought You A Blanket In Mexico”
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
The front door opens, then slams. Walter rushes in. He just got home from his tour. He is carrying a BLANKET in his hand - it has baby blue, green and pink stripes. He sees Kaitlyn, sitting on the rug. He goes over the lines in his head, again and again:
WALTER
“I don’t want to play this game chasing popularity. I wanna get a normal job, settle down in this funny town. I’ve been thinking about marriage for the first time in my life.”
Walter hands her the blanket.
KAITLYN
(starkly)
Thanks for the gift.
Silence.
WALTER
How was your trip?
Silence.
WALTER
What’s wrong? I know it’s been a minute since we talked, but really it's only been a couple weeks plus some days…
As the rest of the argument plays out, the song concludes the only way it can. Zach is fuckin’ decimated.
TRACK 10, “Punk With An Ex”
CUT TO:
EXT. OPEN WATER - DAY
On an overcast, shitty day, Walter and his friend ERNIE are jetting across the open water. His friend prompts the question you’re supposed to after a breakup.
ERNIE
Are you doing okay?
WALTER
“Jesus. You guys are really worried about me? Aren’t ya? I’m fine. These things take time. This too shall pass...or something like that.”
Zach absolutely adores this song. Musically, it’s the most uniquely assembled and executed of the bunch, an especially surfy jaunt with a post-punk edge. While deadpan in tone, the vocals of the verses are technically proficient at delivering the literate lyrics. The chorus soars.
But as has only been proven throughout his listen, Zach is cut by words. The song has reopened him to the struggles of break-up recovery. He thinks back to when he was a miserable fuck in a similar scenario, and how he never wants to feel stuck in timelessness again…
Yet the song puts him in that place.
TRACK 11, “No More Visitors”
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
With violins that descend into dissonance, Walter shuts the blinds of his bedroom. Everything is dark. He needs time to isolate from the outside world. Looking around the room, it feels empty - Kaitlyn belongings are gone. Walter begins to dissociate into his own head.
Zach finds the mid-tempo, hazy shoegaze backdrop of the instrumental to be the perfect pairing for Walter’s emotions. He utters to himself -
ZACH
(holding back a salt mine of tears)
I just LOoOoOooooOVE these violins!
TRACK 12, “Cheer Up, Walter”
CUT TO:
INT. WALTER’S HEAD
The music dies - there is nothing left to offer at this time. Walter is living inside his own thoughts. He tries to reassure himself that things will be okay. He sings simple melodies to lift his spirits, providing a comfort he longs to recapture.
TRACK 13, “Thanks For Growing Up With Me”
CUT TO:
INT. ZACH’S ROOM - DAY
While it plays itself out, Zach reads through the lyrics of “Thanks For Growing Up With Me,” the final track on one of the greatest breakup albums he’s ever heard. Walter reminisces over ever intricate detail of his relationship with Kaitlyn - falling in love at 19, backpacking through Honduras at 22, moving in together at 23, the trips to garage sales, the hangover breakfast burritos, the intimate touches given to one another when nobody was watching.
The two catch up with each other after time has passed. They share what’s new, laughing together cathartically at the bullshit that is life. Kaitlyn notes it was nice to see him. One of her tears lands on his knee, a moment he will feel eternally. They say their goodbyes, never having removed their sunglasses. Once far enough away, Walter lets everything out. It’s the last time he’ll need to.
WALTER
"It'd be so much easier to hate you
Regret the day I decided to date you
And replace sadness with resentment and booze
But I don't want to live like that
I'm happy for and proud of you
I think we really lived it up babe
I cherish all that we've been through
So thanks for growing up with me these seven or eight years
You were my best friend, I'm gonna miss you."
The story has ended. Zach is wiping his eyes clear. He tastes salt on his lips. The music - a collection of DIY distortion, buoyant beach pop and satiating surf rock - has touched him at his core. The lyrics - rather, the screenplay - have transported him to another world, a romantic drama that champions recovery with humanity and profundity. He believes that most bands in the current indie-sphere, from DIY to signed, could learn a thing or twenty.
He finally gets himself together. He purchases the album, copies the link, then logs onto Facebook. In his D&D group chat, he messages:
ZACH
Y’ALL TRYNA GET EMOTIONALLY WRECKED???
BOPS: The whole damn thing...
DUDS: ...eh, "Cheer Up, Walter" isn't perfect...
