The Musical Pairing Guide To Polar Seltzer
Luke, one of Osmosis Tones' resident bubbleheads, went to work on finding the definitive musical pairings for Polar Seltzer, Massachusetts' finest beverage company. Without further ado, here are the songs that match best with each flavor in their catalogue.
Flavor: Original
Pairing: “There’s No Other Way” - Blur
Original seltzer: the mainstay beverage of the family reunion held at your great uncle's house. With lyrics like, “You're taking the fun out of everything/I don't want to think at all,” a picture of this miserable beverage is painted. It’s pure sadism, drinking this throat shredding acid that tastes like how a Californian accent sounds. So boring, but way more painful.
Flavor: Lemon
Pairing: “Next Level Charli” - Charli XCX
Nothing quenches your thirst quite as well after waking up with cotton mouth from a pathetic night of drinking stale Narragansetts. The moment it touches your lips, you are awakened by something whimsical and invigorating (exactly like Charli’s “next level”). Seriously, the most underrated Polar flavor.
Flavor: Lime
Pairing: “Stare Into Death and Be Still” - Ulcerate
The most metal of all Polar beverages, lime seltzer is a wretched drink with a crisp aftertaste. The “refreshment” of this drink equates perfectly to the mesmerizing, blackened technical riff used in the outro of this song.
Flavor: Pomegranate
Pairing: “Vardavar” - Tigran Hamasyan
The Armenian national fruit. My people did this flavor right, so I had to dedicate this pairing to the greatest Armenian jazz musician, Tigran Hamasyan. The song and beverage contain lovely and bouncy notes, representative of my people’s giant smiles and radiant energy.
Flavor: Mandarin
Pairing: “Two Thousand And Seventeen” - Four Tet
Mandarin seltzer is a very calming drink, perfect for a cruise on a sunny day. Four Tet’s “Two Thousand And Seventeen” is the perfect match for this, as the bright notes of orange goodness are echoed in the exploding melody of the harp sample.
Flavor: Triple Berry
Pairing: “Alright” - Ratgrave
Easily the funkiest flavor in the Polar catalogue. The intense combination reminds me of some bridge pickup, that honky Jaco Pastorius worship with a modern flair.
Flavor: Black Cherry
Pairing: “Obscura” - Gorguts
This flavor is just violent. It makes me feel nauseous, a feeling that Gorguts’ constant squawks and shifting rhythms conjures effortlessly. Intense, and not for the faintest of heart.
Flavor: Vanilla
Pairing: “Send It On” - D’Angelo
One word: smooth. Polar Vanilla is creamy and sultry, much like the feeling of D’Angelo gently singing you into a state of ecstasy.
Flavor: Orange Vanilla
Pairing: “Azucar” - Earl Sweatshirt
One of my favorite flavors, Orange Vanilla makes my goosebumps start to stick out. Simultaneously smooth and crisp, it’s everything you want in a beverage to feel better about your pathetic life. It’s the ideal pairing for these perfectly cut soul samples and beautiful, vulnerable lyrics about loss.
Flavor: Cherry Pomegranate
Pairing: “Cherry Pie” - Sade
This flavor is much easier to handle than its harsh black cherry companion, thanks to the pomegranate rounding out the palette. The flavor is sultry yet difficult to pin down, so what better song to pair with than the underrepresented and respected Sade?
Flavor: Georgia Peach
Pairing: “Cartier Gucci Scarf” - Young Thug
Sunny and sweet, this seltzer is a dead ringer for the essence of the Peach State. It pairs best with Atlanta’s finest, Young Thug, and his most underrated song. The beat feels like you are swimming in a crystalline pool of the drink in question.
Flavor: Ruby Red Grapefruit
Pairing: “Sleepless” - Andy Stott
Simply put, Ruby Red Grapefruit goes IN. It’s smooth and comparatively a weird one when the other flavors are taken into consideration. I usually go for this when I am really high, just like how this song makes me feel: hazy and content.
Flavor: Pineapple Pomelo
Pairing: “Off Da Zoinkys” - J.I.D.
An awesome explosion of flavor that could only compare to J.I.D.’s rapid fire precision and mind bending lyrical flows.
Flavor: Raspberry Lime
Pairing: “The Screen” - YOB
The best Polar flavor, period. Can not, and will not, be beat, ever. I have spent easily over $1,000 stocking these in my house. This flavor can only be represented by the greatest and most ass-beating riff ever. Nothing makes me want to be human more than this flavor and riff.
Flavor: Cranberry Lime
Pairing: “Boston AM” - Hammer Bros
Had to represent some Boston hardcore for commemorating Massachusett’s fruit of choice, cranberry. Get to moshing kehd.
Flavor: Blueberry Lemonade
Pairing: “The Dream” - King Krule
Light and airy: just like this swaying, jazzed out King Krule song
Flavor: Strawberry Watermelon
Pairing: “Clench to Stay Awake” - The Garden
A flavor that, for this writer, is absurd, over-the-top, unpredictable and slightly clashing, but somehow works? The only band that could possibly pair with such a mixed array of emotions is The Garden.
Flavor: Cranberry Clementine
Pairing: “Elephant Talk” - King Crimson
Another funky and just strange combination of flavors that bounces around in your mouth, exactly like how this fat groove bounces around its environment.
Flavor: Toasted Coconut
Pairing: “Admission” - Torche
A tropical flavor with some depth calls for some Miami-based sludge-pop to round out the list.
